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Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary)
Being the first chronicle in the adventures of Andrew Mayhem
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When you're desperate for money, searching for a little adventure, and aren't the most responsible person in the world, you can end up doing some outrageous things. Which is how Andrew Mayhem, an extremely married father of two, ends up accepting $20,000 to find a key ... a key buried with a body in a shallow grave.
When the body turns out to not only be still alive, but armed and dangerous, he realizes that he should have held out for more money. His simple evening of morally questionable manual labor becomes a bizarre game of wits and courage played with an unseen killer with a twisted sense of humor. It's a game that will bring him to a group of filmmakers known as Ghoulish Delights, who are hiding a secret that will test every last bit of Andrew's nerve to discover.
And it's impossible to find a babysitter.
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 Cover art by Darrell King, winner of the 2003 QUASAR Best in Category—Horror, Award.
About the Author
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Jeff Strand lives in Florida with his wife, his mentally questionable cat, and his hideous wardrobe. He's been writing ever since he was old enough to throw screaming fits in crowded supermarkets and is glad to have finally gotten some use out of that creative writing degree his dad paid for. His comedic material has appeared in several publications, including a whopping 1/365th of the anthology HORRORS! 365 SCARY STORIES. The story involved improper use of an electric carving knife, but it was meant to be funny. Really.
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Reviews
Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary)...will have you laughing with glee and screaming with terror—often at the same time! In this comedy horror-thriller, lovable loser Andrew Mayhem and his not-quite-bright sidekick, Roger, are out to make a few bucks, and they've entered the graverobbing trade for a $20,000.00 payoff. Seems easy enough, right? Dig up a body buried in a shallow grave and extract a key from the corpse, no big deal. But when the body turns out to be very much alive and armed to the teeth with firepower, Andrew realizes that $20,000.00 is a lot less than he should have settled for... Wildly absurd, horrifying and amusing antics ensue. This is a delightfully screwball horror novel that defies classification, so don't even try. Just read it. You'll love it. Highly recommended. —J. L. Comeau, The Tomb of Dark Delights
Stumbling from one odd job to the next, Andrew Mayhem is certain that the right career opportunity will present itself eventually. It will be the one, in his opinion, that offers the greatest reward for the least effort. Perhaps that is why, when a beautiful woman offers him and his friend, Roger Tanglen, $20,000 to rob her husband's grave, he accepts with only the slightest hesitation.
Such is the absurd world of Mayhem, and the unconventional mind of the author. Graverobbers Wanted is both a comedic delight and a dark journey that the reader will gladly take, step by enthralling step.
Mayhem and Tanglen accept the bizarre proposition, but things start going wrong from the beginning. The first omen comes early on; the corpse they are supposed to exhume begins firing a gun from inside the coffin, an event for which they definitely had no contingency plan. Although they find the item they were asked to retrieve, it never makes it into the hands of the corpse's widow. Mayhem, Tanglen, and the widow are immediately abducted by a psychopathic serial killer with a sense of humor. He engages Mayhem in a twisted game, and Mayhem can't refuse; five lives hang in the balance. Thus, the gruesome, suspenseful, and riotous game begins. Mayhem deftly unravels the clues, and learns what is behind the tangled plot into which he's been led. It isn't easy, though, and Mayhem faces obstacles at every turn, not the least of which is finding a reliable baby-sitter. He handles each challenge in his own inimitable way, which is to say, with the utmost irreverence. The reader will barely finish chuckling at one sarcastic line before the next comic bit occurs.
Mayhem's sardonic commentary moves the story along at a quick pace, and mitigates the revulsion one might ordinarily feel when reading such graphic accounts of murder and mutilation. Strand uses humor to this end so effectively that it almost comes as a surprise to discover the victims really are dead at the story's end. Dead they are, however, and each one suffered an extraordinarily horrid death. More sensitive readers should be forewarned that, while an enjoyable book, Graverobbers offers more than its share of gore. Strand's voice and storytelling ability improve considerably with each new effort, and Graverobbers is his best adult effort to date. —Foreword
I read. I chuckled. I giggled, snorted, guffawed my way through Jeff Strand's incredibly funny, incredibly dark, incredibly mysterious debut novel. If GRAVEROBBERS WANTED (No Experience Necessary) reflects his wealth of talent, then Mr. Strand will soon have a fan club clamoring for his next release. I intend to be right there clamoring with the rest. A well-written mystery, told in the first person, GRAVEROBBERS WANTED (No Experience Necessary) should be on every mystery lover's list of favorites, especially if the odd and unusual tickles the imagination. 4 Crescents —Crescent Blues
A hilarious murder mystery that will keep the reader guessing, laughing, and cringing with each turn of the page. Not a run of the mill mystery, not when the reader has to grab a tissue to wipe tears of laughter out of their eyes. Unquestionably a man with a demented mind, Mr. Strand is one author the readers should look for again and again! —Rhapsody Magazine
This was the most totally engrossing and grossing-out book I've read in a long time. I was immediately caught up in the zaniness of the story and its off-beat humor...Jeff Strand is a consummate storyteller, and I hope we see a lot more of his work soon. —Word Museum
This is one of the best books I have read in a loooong time! You have simply got to read this one! I laughed out loud so often that people kept coming to see what was going on! Yes, it is THAT good! Jeff Strand is an author to keep your eye on. With this one book, he has won me as a huge fan! BRAVO! Excellent! —Huntress Book Review
More twists and turns than a computer maze game. One keeps waiting for the plot to suffer its inevitable middle-chapter predictability, for the pace to succumb to the usual pre-conclusion slowdown, for the humor to lose its freshness--but they never do. A damn enjoyable read. It's a five-star book in any catalogue. —Midnight Scribe Reviews
Horror-filled yet hilarious adventures. The mystery plot is intricate and the solution satisfying. Bring on another Andrew Mayhem mystery soon. Please! Highly recommended. —RunningRiver Reader
GRAVEROBBERS WANTED is deliciously dark humor blended together with a nice thriller/mystery. This story introduces us to a "hero" named Andrew Mayhem, and the last name is prophetic. He is a guy trying desperately to find himself, and failing miserably. His adventures teach him what he is not - namely- any kind of superhero. Definitely a good read for any who like dark humor and solid writing. Very Highly recommended. Jeff Strand is one seriously warped character, and this is a good thing." Five good croaks —Celtic Frog Reviews
Dark humor isn't easy to carry off and the author has done a fine job of it. The mystery is developed at a nice pace that keeps tightening the suspense, finally upping the odds to a nearly unbearable level. It builds steadily to a nail-biting climax and a surprising and satisfying resolution. Probably the funniest and cleverest story I've read in some time. —Karen McCullough (author of A Question of Fire and The Rainbow Bridge)
If the members of Monty Python got together with Rod Serling to write a book, this might be the result! Jeff Strand has penned a witty, hilarious yet macabre tale of murder and mayhem. Don't miss Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary). It's a fiendish delight! —Elizabeth Delisi (author of Since All is Passing)
One word: WOW!!! A horrific blend of tongue-in-cheek humor with edge-of-your-seat suspense. Graverobbers Wanted is not for the faint of heart, but if you like your thrills at a visceral level, Mr. Strand delivers them with every page. —Jackie Kramer (author of Broken Pledge)
Nonstop thrills, chills, and chuckles! This book is a must read for thriller and comedy readers alike. I picked this book up and couldn't put it down. Jeff Strand has witty prose and smart dialouge—it's been a long time since I've had such an entertaining read. I can't wait for the next Andrew Mayhem book and look forward to more great reads from this very talented author. —Patricia A. Rasey
The compulsively readable narrative provides consistent surprises and delights. [Andrew] Mayhem is a thoroughly charming and lovable hero. Strand has "cult author" written all over him and you owe it to yourself to check him out. —Hellnotes
It takes great talent to mix serious horror fiction with comedy, yet Jeff Strand seems to pull it off effortlessly. This is one of the most unique and entertaining books I've read this year. —Midwest Literary Review
One of the most refreshing books I have read in a while. A special blend of horror and comedy that really works. —Blood Moon Rising
Graverobbers Wanted is my kind of book. Witty, original, funny, scary, and I didn't know who the killer was until Mr. Strand decided to tell me. —Blackmask Online
A twisted, fast, and addicting novel that will keep you guessing and laughing. —b-independent.com
Strand flips his readers from the ghoulish to the hilarious, reminding us not to take anything too seriously. I strongly recommend this story to adults with a sense of humor and people who delight in extremes. —Inscriptions Magazine
Salute! Mr. Strand! Salute!
Reviewed by: M. Kenyon Charboneaux, February 28, 2003 (reprinted with permission).
If hiccups were stars and this book was a hotel, it’d be a 5-Star one and I’d be checking in for a long stay. Graverobbers Wanted is my kind of book. Witty, original, funny, scary and I didn’t know who the killer was until Mr. Strand decided to tell me.
Graverobbers has gotten something else going for it—an author who can write. Really write. He’s good with the English language, he knows pacing, he’s got the technical end of things down very very nicely pat. He’s the exception that proves the rule for the most part (say the 99/100% part) the writers who’ve gotten a chance to publish with the Internet are mediocre at best and really, really terrible at worst. He’s so good I can’t understand why one of the publishing companies hasn’t picked this guy up and made a bestseller out of him. Believe me, all it would take is marketing.
Rating : 5 Hiccups
Ratings Scale
1 hiccup—I wouldn't buy this if it was on the remainder table for 50 cents
2 hiccups—Don't waste your money - get it from the library so you can take it back
3 hiccups— Average but has some real merit to it—borrow it before you buy it
4 hiccups— Better than average and worth your money and time
5 hiccups—LOVED IT !!!! Wish I'd written it!!!!
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